"The Murtaugh List", a reference to the Roger Murtaugh character from the Lethal Weapon series, whose signature phrase is "I'm too old for this shit".
This. This. This. Lately this has been my mantra. I am so darned ready to call it a night when the clock strikes twelve (some nights ten). I honestly thought I would have had a different life, and been a different person at age 28. Years ago I believed I'd have a husband, a child, a home, and a digital cable system of my very own at this age. I would have had left my children with a bookish high school student so that husband and I could have a quiet dinner and peruse of a bookstore, and return with my liquor cabinet unraided, the children snoring quietly. The basset hound, James Brolin, happily ripping apart the slip cover on the couch.
I moved back home with my mom to save for said house. I have an obese cat named Boo Radley, that craves attention like a child would. Things have manifested themselves in unusual ways. Ways 10-13 year old me would have gasped in horror at, screaming at me that I should have continued dating my ninth grade boyfriend. He was such a nice guy the voice squawks, HE LIKED JAZZ! He knew how to use cutlery properly, was not a former addict, AND RESPECTED HIS MOTHER. I know I made the right choice, as I found spending time with him comparable to talking to my math teacher, but yes, he was a great guy. If I had stayed with him, who knows, I could have all of the typical grown up accouterments, but they wouldn't be honest. I would feel like I was playing the part of happy housewife. And if I was playing the part, I wouldn't truly be happy. With this butterfly effect style of thought, I could end up stashing mommy's little helpers in childproof containers all over the house. I could also end up cavorting with Phillippe, the cashier at Whole Foods. Good thing really, Whole Foods employees can be pretentious assholes, and I've never been one to self medicate.
